Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
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All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai