Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing