Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
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[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
this makes me so uncomfortable
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.