Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

The best shot in the history of golf

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.