Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
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Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see