Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
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I can’t be the only one 😂
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.