me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
You Might Also Like
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Yep.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly