Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

*eats only grass-fed donuts

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

Have kids, they said

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

Yup

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”