Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important