Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
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If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…