me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
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I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
