me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
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GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
