me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
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Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.