me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
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Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there