Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!

Somebody’s lying.

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???

Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!