me: hear me out. 100 washers & 100 nuts, but only 99 bolts

ikea ceo: i freakin love it

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1)Print out a “WANTED” poster with your face on it.

2)Dress as a cop.

3)Go around asking people if they’ve seen this person.


most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english


my favorite small talk thing to do with trust fund kids in Los Angeles is ask “so what do you do for work?” and watch them try to come up with something.


They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?


Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief


Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.


CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on


Is anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?


[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare