It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
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Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”