@sonictyrant

me: hear me out. 100 washers & 100 nuts, but only 99 bolts

ikea ceo: i freakin love it

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@iGreenMonk

1)Print out a “WANTED” poster with your face on it.

2)Dress as a cop.

3)Go around asking people if they’ve seen this person.

@rachelle_mandik

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

@ellorysmith

my favorite small talk thing to do with trust fund kids in Los Angeles is ask “so what do you do for work?” and watch them try to come up with something.

@PaulyPeligroso

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

@ElleOhHell

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

@thetigersez

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

@Brampersandon_

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

@CYComedy

Is anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?

@hamersauce

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare