Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.