Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

her: what do you do for a living

me: I can’t tell you

her: like a spy

me: no I’m an eye doctor

her: oh an ophthalmologist

me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here