Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
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Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
The 4 stages of a family vacation
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…