Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
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Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.