[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
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genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!