Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”

No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.