Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

Black Friday “markdowns” like

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.