Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
bad news gang
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
