Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
new wife guy just dropped
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
