Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

🖕🏻👽

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.