Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

new year update: losing everything but weight

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.