Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

why does this building look like a guilty dog

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

my one true gender

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment