Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
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My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”