Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when she block me on everything

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

he’ll never suspect a thing

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/749269854667046912/pu/vid/480x480/x4pB7atTItEwLxWy.mp4