ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
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[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?