Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.