Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

Lmao 😁

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.