Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

as is their right

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer