me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
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Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”