Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

servant: what size should I make the bed?

king: like this *spreads arms*

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

this is funnier than any friends episode

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.