me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
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The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom