Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

moms in horror movies

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER

Always.

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Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that: