ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
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Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
(by @ZachWeiner )
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!