Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
