Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
