@EyeSeeYou619

ME: Hello cheesecake, my old friend
DARKNESS: Okay wow, I’m right here

You Might Also Like

@fro_vo

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

@AskinWayne

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

@OddMarc

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

@Diversion50

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

@Mr_Kapowski

GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir

*my voice cuts in on radio*

Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane

@AimeeHelene1

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

@LuckyToken1

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?