Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
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My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Hey I worked for it too!
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I am, perchance
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.