presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
ME: Hello cheesecake, my old friend
DARKNESS: Okay wow, I’m right here
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Hannah is single for a reason
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir
*my voice cuts in on radio*
Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?