ME: Hello cheesecake, my old friend
DARKNESS: Okay wow, I’m right here

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presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents


a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today


If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?


“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.


GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir

*my voice cuts in on radio*

Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane


Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.


Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?