Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

*3.5 thank you very much.

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

Math at Halloween.

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher

Cartman: Respect my
a a

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

Sign of the day..

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.