Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
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(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
[eulogy]
line?
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.