Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
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ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses