Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

We are never ever ever getting back together 🎶

Tupperware lids

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.