Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
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me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.