Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

Mmmm. Shoeshi

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out