Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
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An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.