Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
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[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Stick it to the man
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Facebook memories be like
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
💯😂
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda