Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”

Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

THE AUDACITY. 😤

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.