Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out