Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
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I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick