ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
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My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.