Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
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if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”
So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”
Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?
3 yo: No, thanks.
🤦🏻♀️
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT