Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
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Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
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My dog learned how to text
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Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell