Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

Happy Febuary everyone!

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie