Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
You Might Also Like
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.