Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
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Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Passwords are more important than ever.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd