Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

RACE CAR NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??

NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time