Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
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Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
When you put it that way… 😂
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
me when somebody idk start touching me
[at the general store]
me: one general please
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven