Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister