Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

✌️

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

the short answer to this question

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body