I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
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Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.