Me: hello refrigerator, may I have some ice cubes

Refrigerator: how many

Me: idk like four

Refrigerator: you may have four (voice turns evil while dispensing) HUNDRED

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PAPA JOHNS EMPLOYEE: what can I get you
ME: I’ll take a large *forgetting the word pizza* cheese frisbee


People tell you to make yourself at home but then look confused when you drink their liquor and take a nap in the kitchen


FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.


[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens


If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.


Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.


Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.


Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.


Note: *coughs*