@Ygrene

Me: hello refrigerator, may I have some ice cubes

Refrigerator: how many

Me: idk like four

Refrigerator: you may have four (voice turns evil while dispensing) HUNDRED

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@Laser_Cat

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

@SortaBad

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

@ixix82

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

@TheDreamGhoul

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

@retardedwriter

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

@NotARatsAss

I’m one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it’s more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.

@drinksmcgee

The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.

@chrisdowning

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

@nice_mustard

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…