Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Me: hello refrigerator, may I have some ice cubes
Refrigerator: how many
Me: idk like four
Refrigerator: you may have four (voice turns evil while dispensing) HUNDRED
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If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I’m one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it’s more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.
The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…